26
Mar
2024

Hi, I am 16 years old and my parents have been separated for nearly 7 years and have been divorced for less than a year. I am not going to say that I know everything about separation/divorce or that all of you reading will be able to relate to my experience as a child of divorce but hopefully I can help you with what you are going through. I didn’t write this to be pitied or to complain, I wrote this to show you that you aren’t alone and that although it may seem like your life is falling apart, you will survive.

For some, hearing that their parents are getting separated/divorced is a total surprise. For me it wasn’t a surprise it was more a confirmation of what I expected.

The word DIVORCE made regular appearances in my parent’s arguments to the point where one day when I was about eight years old I told the after school care teacher that my parents were getting a divorce after hearing it in a fight of theirs the night before. (In retrospect hearing this from an eight year old was probably concerning but when that’s what you are used to, you don’t realise that what you are going through or what you are saying isn’t stereotypical eight year old conversation). When my Dad came to pick me up that night I remember asking him in front of the after school care teacher, “Are you and Mum still going to get a divorce?” as if it was nothing –  because at the time to me it was nothing. It was my normal. This cycle was my normal. This cycle, involving explosive arguments, fearing what would come next, then pretending everything was alright was my normal.

Looking back at things I realise how different my childhood was compared to the kids I went to school with. While they were worrying about whether their Mum had packed them fruit snacks for school, I was worrying about my parents’ most recent argument.

I feel like for a lot of KIDS (Kids in Divorce & Separation) there is THE ARGUMENT – the ‘ argument that is different from all others, the argument that changes your life forever, the argument where you come to the realisation that the usually loosely thrown around word DIVORCE is most likely your new reality.

In all honesty I can’t remember what my parents were arguing about, all I know is that it marked the ending of Chapter One: MARRIAGE…..Well it did for me at least.

In hope of trying to repair their crumbling relationship my Mum was all for Marriage Counselling while my Dad, well let’s just say he didn’t want to admit that he could possibly be in any way at fault for their marriage problems.

For that first year I didn’t live in hope that my parents would get back together because a part of me knew that it wouldn’t happen. As the years went on, I not only knew that they weren’t going to resolve their issues and be a couple again but I also started hoping they never would. For me after my parents separated, I started to see my parents in a different light, I grew closer with my Mum but continuously grew further and further away from my Dad. I started to realise that no amount of Marriage Counselling could ever erase the past and that in all honesty they were better off without each other.

I was/am fortunate enough that my Mum has always/continues to encourage a relationship between my Dad and I. She has never persuaded me to think a certain way about my Dad, instead she has let me make my own judgement about him.

I’ve loved, I’ve raged, I’ve been hurt and I’ve sometimes felt damaged but I have also survived. I am not going to lie and say that life is picture perfect now because being a kid of a toxic marriage, separation and/or divorce never is. There will always be challenges in life and I know that there are so many hurdles I have yet to face but I know that I will get through them and so will you because although we will always be KIDS – Kids In Divorce & Separation that doesn’t define us, what defines us is what we choose to do with it.

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